i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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