You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
ttyl tear gas
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
