Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
