mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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