Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
