Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
