What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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