i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
