I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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