mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
