I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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