got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
