How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
