He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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