Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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