now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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