Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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