i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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