Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
