I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
