do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
