please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
