I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You're like the curious george of whores
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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