lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
