well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
