handjob tips. give me some.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
