i was born a porn star she said
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
