I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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