one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
