a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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