Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
