I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
