my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
