i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I have already put on my inside pants.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
