In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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