Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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