I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
