listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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