Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
