Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
