The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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