dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
