between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
