If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
