I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
