when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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