brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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