I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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