It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
