Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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