I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
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He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
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I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime