Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.