this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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