i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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