You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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