Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
being pregnant is like rehab
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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