obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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