Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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