How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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