Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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