Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
