Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
