I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
